Eric J Meli (emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu)
1 Apr 1994 03:06:04 GMT

Boy do I have a treat for you guys!
If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for
bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it.

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
-- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87=

The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
PATSY : Terry Gilliam
GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
GUARD #2 : John Cleese
CUSTOMER : John Cleese
DENNIS : Michael Palin
WOMAN : Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin?
VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
WITCH : ???
VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
NARRATOR: Michael Palin
SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
GOD : ???
FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
Graham Chapman
Terry Jones
Michael Palin
OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
FATHER : Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman?
GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
GUARD #2 : ???
CONCORDE : Eric Idle

Scene 1

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]

GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin'
'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?

Scene 2

MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Scene 3

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis.
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how'd you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We take
it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
[angels sing]
her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
Arthur was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives
from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw
it didn't you?

Scene 4

[arg] [ugh] [hah]

ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
in my courted camelot.

You have proved yourself worthy will you join me?

You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
Have at you! Come on then.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
your legs off!

Scene 5

CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEMIR: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEMIR: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?

VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch!
BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: This is a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEMIR: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.

[Narrative Interlude]

NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and
the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
the Knights of the Round Table.

Scene 6

BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
LANCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
ride... to... Camelot.

We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.

We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot


We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Oh many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot


Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we [something]
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a bit too loud in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.

ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
a silly place.

Scene 7

GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry--
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
doing now!?
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
depressing. Now knock it off!
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the
Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: A blessing!
LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD: God be praised!

Scene 8

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Who's castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of mumble mumble
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night
he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
Uh, he's already got one, you see?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh (I told him we already got one)
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-uh!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was
a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
???: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush.)
GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush!)
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
Jesus Christ!
Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no.
BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.


[rumble rumble squeak]
ce labon a bunny do
un codoo?
a present!
oh, un codoo.
oui oui hurry!
let's go!
[rumble rumble squeak]

ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEMIR: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
and uh....
ARTHUR: Oh....
BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
FRENCH: Oh, haw haw haw.

Scene 9

Pictures for Schools, take 8.

NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required
if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this
is what they did--
[tromp tromp]
WOMAN: Greg!

Scene 10

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his penis--
ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS: Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN: I am.
TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you.
GC:Shall I?
MP:Oh, I don't think so.
GC:Well, what do I think?
TJ:I think kill him.
MP:Well let's be nice to him.
GC:Oh shut up.
GC:And you.
TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
MP:Oh, cut your own head off!
GC:Yes, do us all a favor!
MP:Yapping on all the time.
GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him.
TJ:What do you mean?
GC:You snore.
TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
and biscuits.
MP:Oh, but not biscuits.
TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
TJ:He buggered off.
MP:So he has, he scarpered.

MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN: I never did!
MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN: Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN: I never!

Scene 11
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad

[boom crash]
[angels singing]

[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door!
Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[squeak boom]
ALL: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are
nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
very, very big.
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
lie down. [clap clap]
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD: B-but--
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
Winston, practice your art.
PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
GIRLS: Hello.
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
first time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
And me.
And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LANCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LANCELOT: You're in great peril!
LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
LANCELOT: Come on!
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
of them!
DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
DINGO: Oh, shit.
LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can.
LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
LANCELOT: No, I'm not.

Narrative Interlude

NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King
Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had
discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously.
I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds
were walking and dragging--
CROWD: Get on with it!
NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
starling -oolp!

Scene 12

OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!

Scene 13

ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEMIR: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
RANDOM: Nee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
ARTHUR: A what?
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!

Scene 14

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot.

FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
HERBERT: What, the curtains?
FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!
HERBERT: But, Mother!
FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft
to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show
'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the
swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank
into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna
get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
FATHER: Rather what?!
HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
a certain... special...
FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER: Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1: Uh...
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
All right?
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
to leave and we were--
FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
GUARD #1: Just you.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Get back.
GUARD #1: Get back.
FATHER: Right?
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
FATHER: Right.
[starts to leave]
Where are you going?
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT: But, Father!
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.

Scene 15

LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall
tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could
be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You
shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
LANCELOT: Oh, I see.
CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as
soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
particular... (sigh)
CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.

Scene 16

LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot
of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
HERBERT: You got my note!
LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--
HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
there must be...
FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
HERBERT: I'm your son!
FATHER: No, not you.
LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready!
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER: I can understand that.
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
me a fortune!
LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....
HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
HERBERT: I am ready!
[start to leave]
LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
uh, sort of carried away.
FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.

Scene 17
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the
gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
guest here today.
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
RANDOM: He's getting better!
FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,--
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess
and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot--
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
FATHER: Shut up!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh)
CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?

Scene 18

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
a shrubbery!
CRONE: Who sent you?
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee'
at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is
sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!

Scene 19

ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, 'is'?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not

Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow.